Conan Exiles – Review

Have you ever wondered what Ark would be like if there weren’t any dinosaurs but there was d*cks flopping around everywhere? Well wonder no more because Conan Exiles is here! It is a new survival game, because that market isn’t saturated with enough crap, from a pretty young game development team called Funcom. I am not usually a fan of reviewing games that are still in early access but when those games cost the price of a full major studio release, I feel it deserves a full, honest review. I’m not kidding by the way, there are two available versions to choose from, the original game costs £26.99 ($35) and a ‘Barbarian edition’ which costs an eye-watering £54.99 ($70). £55 for a game in early access! That’s crazy. Surely it must be already of impeccable quality? Let’s find out.

 

Looks & Game play

Conan gives players the freedom to create what their own character looks like as with most similar games. They can change pretty much anything about their appearance including their t*t  size and c*ck size depending on whether they choose male or female characters. However the textures are, what’s the nicest way I can say this, unfinished. It’s buggy too. In my first hour of playing the game I fell through the floor twice and my friend started levitating. Games also aren’t synced up properly so it might be night time for you whilst your friends enjoy the midday sun.

How does Conan compare to other survival games?

In a nutshell, poorly. It’s, at best, months behind where it needs to be in terms of game play. I don’t like to just trash games, especially not from new developers, but to charge up to $70 for this sh*t is ridiculous. Conan: Exiles is just another example of developers releasing their games early on steam to get some quick cash. Will the game ever be finished? I doubt it, every so often there will probably be a magical new update which adds 3 new weapons, 5 new craftable objects and a bit of shrubbery but that will likely be it. The whole nudity novelty wears off after you actually spend more than 20 seconds in the game with your friends and it just isn’t good enough.

 

Video game life cycle

I want to go a little deeper here into the life cycle of video games, in particular, early access games. When an early access game is released and has a novelty that gets audiences talking (like dangling dicks) they tend to become popular and sell a lot of copies. Although audiences aren’t stupid and they will soon release all of the problems with the game and stop playing. When it reaches this point, no matter how brilliant updates will be, the majority of the audience won’t return. This is usually the point where developers get bored and start new projects leaving early access games, like Conan, unfinished.

 

Should you buy it?

No. At least, not right now. Maybe I will be wrong and I’ll play it in a year or two to find that it’s a masterpiece. If that’s the case then I will happily admit I was wrong but the chances are I won’t be.

 

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Conan: Exiles

Conan: Exiles
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Pros

  • First 30 seconds are funny

Cons

  • Very broken
  • Released way too early
  • Very broken

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